Chapter 841: Hypocrite [4]

I could see the darkness slowly receding from Evelyn’s eyes.

The pressure coming out of her body was also starting to dwindle. In its place, I saw something else. Hesitation.

She was finally starting to take control of herself.

But she still needed a push.

A little push.

"I know you’re aware. That something is controlling you. I didn’t understand it back then, but I do now. It’s trying to overwhelm you. Trying to take hold of your deepest fears and use them to control your mind. You can’t let it. Not unless you want to give up on yourself."

Evelyn’s breathing grew ragged, her hair falling over her face as she clutched at her shirt. Strange sounds slipped from her throat as she struggled to suppress whatever pain or voice was trying to force its way into her mind.

I couldn’t see her face, but I didn’t need to see her face.

The series of orbs fluctuating all over her body was enough to tell me what was happening.

Red. Purple. Red. Purple. Blue.

Her emotions were alternating. Between the fear and the anger, there was also sadness.

She was struggling to contain herself.

At this moment, Evelyn was probably screaming inside her mind.

Hence—

"It’s time to snap out of it."

I raised my hand and pressed down.

In that instant, the orbs all stopped moving.

Evelyn flinched at the same time.

’If you can’t feel any of your emotions, then you’ll probably be able to think a lot more rationally.’

Taking a deep breath, I flicked my hand up.

The orbs within Evelyn’s body started to tremble further. I felt something tingle inside my chest at the same time, but I ignored the sensation as the orbs continued to tremble. Almost as if they were trying to leave her body.

"Y-you..."

Evelyn finally raised her head, realizing that I was doing something.

Looking down, I met those purple eyes of hers.

Her eyes...

They were a lot clearer than before.

’It’s working.’

But it wasn’t over yet.

Flicking my finger upward, the orbs trembled even more. After a brief moment, a thin line peeled away from the top of one orb, stretching through the air until it connected with my fingertip.

This was the extent my skills had reached.

I could now absorb other people’s emotions. Although not cleanly, and not as much as I wanted to, this was still progress.

Soon enough, I’d reach a point where I could just completely steal other people’s emotions.

This was most likely the path I needed to take in order to reach the Sixth Level of Emotive Magic.

"Y-you..."

Evelyn couldn’t see what I was doing, but she probably sensed it.

"W... what... what are you...?"

"Lessening some of your burden."

The line finally connected with my finger, and the instant it did, my entire body jolted as a powerful surge of emotions flooded into me.

Enough to catch me by surprise.

"——!"

Despite getting used to absorbing emotions, the sheer intensity of her emotions left me surprised. And this was in spite of only absorbing a small part of it.

But that wasn’t all.

Just not long ago, I found myself struggling.

Struggling to think and rationalize properly. I had been so overwhelmed by it all that I thought I had grown numb to emotions. But clearly, this wasn’t the case.

’You’re useless!’

’...Why can’t you do anything right?!’

’Stop hesitating! You’re always hesitating! This is the reason why you can’t ever do anything right! It’s because you’re always hesitating!’

’You’re nothing but a failure!’

’Try to be useful for once!’

’No, no...! I am useful! I can do it...!! I really can!’

As more of her emotions poured into me, I started to hear a familiar voice. It was Evelyn’s voice. I could hear her screams. The resentment and all the hatred that she had built up over the years.

It was intense.

Extremely intense.

But...

"..."

Instead of stopping, I absorbed even more.

"J-Julien...!"

Evelyn’s startled voice reached me a moment after, and when I looked down at her, I merely shook my head.

I was too far gone.

Emotions were like a drug to me.

The more I experienced them, the more I became addicted.

The hardest part is not letting them consume me. But it was already too late for me. I’ve long been swallowed whole.

Hence, I could take it.

The same couldn’t be said for Evelyn.

She was still overwhelmed by it all, and as I looked at her, my tone softened.

"Have you finally started to gather your thoughts?"

"I..."

Evelyn bit her lips, her eyes curling down as her face scrunched up slightly. She seemed to want to say so many things, but struggled to do so.

Subsequently, her shoulders trembled.

Clutching onto her shirt, she lowered her head as she mumbled.

"I... I don’t know."

Her voice was frail.

Weak.

"I don’t know... what to make of this entire situation. I... know that something is controlling me. I know. I know. I know."

"That’s why you’ve got to snap out of i—"

"But are the voices wrong?"

I stopped.

Looking at her and seeing her shoulders tremble further, I finally took notice of it.

Pita! Pita!

The tears were falling down her cheeks.

"I am useless."

She said.

"I... hardly ever do anything. I am a failure in every way. Even though I try. Even though I try my best to help, it never works out for me. No, is that truly the case? Do I... even try? Is.. that the problem? Am I too scared to even try?"

The hand clutching the shirt tightened.

Evelyn’s face tightened.

"I don’t know. I... don’t know how I can make anyone understand."

Biting her lips to the point they started to bleed, Evelyn’s voice turned hoarse.

"I cannot make you understand. I... cannot make anyone understand me. How would it be possible if I cannot even explain it to myself?"

A change began to occur in the orbs on Evelyn’s body.

Despite already absorbing them, instead of growing thinner, they started to become larger.

My face stiffened at the sight as the voices grew louder inside my mind.

"...I can feel that... some emotions are just too big. Too tangled to explain, and the second I try to put them into words, they sound so small compared to how heavy and suffocating they feel inside of me."

A bitter laugh escaped Evelyn’s lips.

"It’s weird... wanting people to understand you when you can barely understand yourself. I just feel so numb. I can’t feel anything anymore. I am broken. Yeah, that’s it...."

Her laugh turned even more bitter.

She didn’t follow up with any other word, but I was glad she didn’t. For I was starting to struggle with the sudden influx of emotions.

’I hate myself.’

’I... hate every part of me. Why can’t I be better? I am better.’

’I should’ve done it this way. Why did I do it this way...? It’s all my fault.’

There was a lot of self-blaming.

Anger.

There was so much anger.

No, it was better to describe it as hatred.

She was overwhelmed.

Confused.

Even lost.

But—

"Just because you can’t articulate yourself yet doesn’t mean that you’re broken. At least, you’re aware of the flaws within yourself."

The words came out much smoother than I expected them to.

In spite of all the emotions that I was feeling, I could still speak properly.

"What do you really think numbness is?"

It wasn’t long ago that I felt exactly as her. I felt like I could hardly process anything and just shut myself down. As if my own mind was shutting down.

But it was from such experience that I learned something.

"Numbness isn’t the absence of feelings. It’s actually the opposite. Its the sense of being overwhelmed by too many feelings."

I looked at Evelyn.

At her orbs.

"It’s not that you can’t feel anything, but more like you’re feeling so much that your brain isn’t able to process it all."

They were even bigger now. So big that even I was struggling with them, let alone her. She was being overwhelmed by those emotions.

Hence—

"...You’re starting to shut down."

The mind simply couldn’t take so much.

It just couldn’t.

Her mind was flooded. Overwhelmed.

She was feeling too much.

"You’re shutting down because of everything that you’re feeling. What you need to do is figure out what you’re feeling. Address the feelings, and slowly learning to manage all the emotions that are flooding your mind."

Even I was struggling to do this.

Emotions weren’t simple. They were complicated.

Many could divide them into six main categories, but it wasn’t that easy.

Each category had different subsets. Anger had hatred. Hatred had resentment. Sadness had Guilt. And so on...

There were simply so many emotions that the human mind could interpret, and even understanding one of them was difficult.

It was for this reason that the Emotive path was difficult.

That there had yet to be a God for it.

Just when you thought you’d begun to understand a certain emotion, you realized you were only at the very beginning.

I had reached the Fifth Level, but I still felt like I was at the start.

There were so many new emotions that I had to understand and control. What I had achieved was merely the tip of the iceberg.

"I can’t say that I fully understand what’s going on inside your mind. If I wanted to, I’d probably be able to make everything disappear from you. I can take away all the emotions that are overwhelming your mind. If you ask, I’ll do it. But..."

I stopped, my eyes locking with Evelyn’s as I saw the darkness recede further and further from her gaze.

"...But you’ll never grow from it. You’ll never learn to manage your emotions."

She’d just be stuck in the same spot.

"I can free you, but all I’d really be doing is breaking you out of a smaller cage and pushing you into a larger one. It’ll feel like freedom, but in truth, nothing will change. You’ll still be trapped."

Evelyn’s lips quivered.

So did her eyes.

She seemed to understand something.

"The only one who can truly free you is yourself. I can’t do that for you. I can make things easier, even take away the pain you’re feeling, but all that would do is make the cycle even more vicious."

I took a deep breath.

"What do you want me to do?"

Do you want to enter a bigger cage...

Or do you want to be free?

"I’ll help you regardless of which option you choose."