Arc 5 | Chapter 155: How Things Went

✮ ✮ ✮ How Things Went (According to Astra) ✮ ✮ ✮

When we found the Clarity man coming down the stairs,

Conrad

wanted to kill him. Gale wanted to kill him. I don’t think Caro wanted to kill him, but Caro has been quieter since they were chased down by… that

other man.

I feel bad for them, but I also think they need to get over it. Maybe that’s the not fair of me, but I was born during the war. Separated from my mother much sooner than is recommended. She went back to the war, and I stayed home. Our nanny wouldn’t even let my twin and I sleep together. It’s no wonder we aren’t close. I don’t think we would be any closer if my mother had been around to raise us—it isn’t like my elder siblings who are also twins are any closer.

They are even less close than my twin and me. We tolerate each other, where my siblings hate.

That is beside the point. Emilia will be unhappy if we kill this man. I do not want her to be unhappy with me, and I tell Conrad as much. He does not wish her ire, either. Gale and Caro can choose to kill the people of this world, but as visitors, it is not our place. Not unless forced. Not unless we know it will save this world.

Gale says something about how I shouldn’t have let Conrad know I was a visitor, and I tell her he already knew.

He always knew, even if he did not care enough to out me to my friends.

Instead, Conrad forces answers out of the man. It is cruel, in a different way. He is good at getting answers out of people. It must hurt, having your mind and energy sorted through like that. We need answers. The man will be fine. Eventually.

Gale looks like she might be sick. Caro looks fascinated. Where one brother traumatized them, another changes their perception of the world and what can be done with its power. Conrad teaches them a bit. I am not sure that’s the best idea, but we will also be leaving Caro and Gale alone here. Caro’s family is still alive, but they have always been a wild child, from all I have heard. They will leave their family, sooner or later. Perhaps this ability to force truth from people will come in handy for them—they will have many enemies when all this is over, after all.

I know what that is like. I was born with enemies, and learned to crawl and speak in a hate filled world. Then, my uncle burned the world that hated and feared us. Now, people still hate and fear us, but they cannot touch us.

They will never touch us again, although the

us

of my uncle’s mind is very different than the

us

of my mind. It’s okay. My uncle will get there. He holds on to love for the family who does not deserve his love. Perhaps if he finds more family—perhaps if I introduce him to Emilia and her unending kindness—he will let go of the terrible family he was born into. A few of us are okay, but most do not deserve his affection or protection.

Emilia deserves our affection and protection. For this reason alone, I will let Conrad force answers from this man. She may not like the method, but she will like it even less if my suspicions are correct and something bad is coming for her and V.

When the man admits the truth, words pulled from his mind by Conrad’s strings of energy, playing his core like an instrument, I feel myself settle.

Bad things are coming for Emilia and V. We must help them.

I have no regrets.

✮ ✮ ✮ How Things Went (According to Gale) ✮ ✮ ✮

This man is an imbecile.

Most adults are stupid. Most adults suck. Most adults think they know better than anyone younger than them. I would have thought this man no different, except he seems oddly terrified of Astra. It’s strange, watching a visitor who has deformed his body so horrifically be frightened of a little girl, even if I now know Astra isn’t really a little girl.

Astra told us Conrad already knew she was a visitor, from the first moment they met—or would it have been before that moment in the infirmary? The little brat—and yes, I realize she’s a few years older than me, that doesn't mean she isn’t a brat!—told us she entered this world—this

raid,

as they call it—alone. She could be lying. She’d already lied about so much.

I want to rip my hair out over that.

Astra lied, about so much.

Visions of her lies keep playing through my head, piling up into a mound of

how do I trust this child again?

How do I trust my friend again?

She is my friend, fleeting as our friendship will be. It’s difficult to look at her now, even as much as I ached to wrap myself around her and Caro last night. They are so small and vulnerable, but I’m the one who seems the most broken by this.

And now? Watching this little girl

order

Conrad to go rescue Emilia while we go after V? I don’t know what to think. I don’t know why

this

is her decision, neither in the sense of

who put her in charge!?

nor

why is

this

what she decided?

The girl loves Emilia, that much is clear. We all do. How could we not? She is sunshine and laughter and teasing. I understand this

raid

—this game—is different for her. Emilia and all the visitors will die and simply return to their own world. They won’t really die the way we locals will. You’d never guess that, based on the way Emilia acts. She has always acted like her life is worth something here. Not as much as

our

lives, but still worth more than I would have expected, and she certainly views our lives as worth far more than Conrad’s brother seemed to think any of our lives worth.

That’s strange too. She’s a strange lady. I have always heard visitors often view us as worthless. Something about how we

aren’t real.

I feel real. I think and feel and love and hate.

I am real.

I am real.

I am also terrified. Conrad might be weird, but watching him leave us to go save Emilia is terrifying. For all his strangeness, he also seems to see us as worth more than visitors are supposed to. If I had not seen the empty eyed hatred and cruelty of Conrad’s brother, I would have thought that hateful version of visitors a lie, spouted out by the Risen Guard and returned to Livery by my sister—by Ash, my sister no more. Carne, who I refuse to consider my brother, not because

she

is now a

he

—although I know Miira certainly assumed that, I already knew Ash hated his body in a way I could not understand long before he became a Risen Guard trainee—but because the

thing

inside my once sibling isn’t my sibling.

I suppose all this is cathartic, in a way. I now know I’m not crazy. There is something inside Carne that shouldn’t be there. It settles me, a bit, even if my heart breaks for the sibling I have lost. The sibling that the heartcores consumed? Destroyed?

A sibling gone?

Or a sibling I can find again?

I don’t know. All I know if that

thing

—or something related to it in a way only the uncalled gods know—is coming for Emilia and V as well. I might not be fond of V and all his odd energy, but for Emilia—for my friend—I will do my best to save him from the

things

that we refuse to worship*.*

✮ ✮ ✮ How Things Went (According to Caro) ✮ ✮ ✮

I’m still really,

REALLY

nervous about this whole

reading the universe thing.

What if things go badly again? I

know

that what Emilia said is probably right… or definitely right. That whole thing about how things that night could have gone way worse, if I hadn’t run into Conrad’s brother before he found us. The homeless grannies told us the same thing:

The path the universe guides you down might not always seem like the right path, but it is.

So I get it, and I get that I shouldn’t be scared to read the universe again, but I am.

I also have so many questions now! What happens if two people are reading the universe and run into each other? Is the universe guiding both of them right? What if they're enemies? Does the universe take sides?

After all I’ve learned about the heartcores and Carne—because for once, Gale was the one talking and talking and talking as we went, ranting about how the heartcores destroyed their former-sibling—I’m pretty sure Carne isn’t someone I want to be friends with. We’re probably enemies… right? Like super, super enemies? They’re being controlled by the heartcores? Or is it the system thing? The thing that keeps this world running? Emilia talked about it a bit, but she seemed to be holding things back? I think she didn’t want to scare us, talking about how our world is real and isn’t real, all at once.

I think I should have gone with Conrad. I would have, if Astra and Gale could have guided themselves to V. Not that I even know if I’m guiding everyone right. Conrad might have had more answers for me. Astra answers a few of my questions, but ignores or brushes aside most. I just want to know what I am? What is the thing telling me to go this way or that, as long as I listen and watch.

If Carne is my enemy, what will happen if we meet?

What about Clarity? The Enclave? Does the universe have a favourite?

What if we aren’t the favourite, and it’s leading us to our deaths?

What if

I’m

leading us to our deaths?

✮ ✮ ✮ How Things Went (According to V) ✮ ✮ ✮

You ever have those moments where you go,

“Well, I totally fucked things up, didn’t I?”

Yeah, that’s about how I’ve been feeling since that meeting this morning— Well, probably before that. Back when Fran started acting like a spoiled child who was somehow entitled to me. Emilia was acting that way too, I guess, but I was okay with that—more than okay with it, if I’m being honest. Fran, not so much. It was strange, and I should have stopped us from going back to Clarity then.

Fucking stars should I have stopped us from going back to Clarity then. This is all my fault. I know full well that you take allies where you can in raids, especially ones like this. I had a bunch of kids relying on me, already traumatized by the shit they saw when the labyrinth was pulling at my

special skills

to make challenges for us.

Those poor kids. They were probably part of why I went back: just to see if I could get them out of there. I couldn’t—we left too soon for that. I was hoping I could go back and try to get them out again. That’s probably not going to happen because I’m pretty sure the heartcores are doing something bad to my brain.

It is

not

good, and now… I’m just kinda standing here, staring at the heartcore of the labyrinth my group keeps making me go through. I’ve only gone through three times, but I can feel the press of

something

on my brain and personality, and I don’t like it.

This shouldn’t be possible. The raid system shouldn’t be able to actually affect my brain. Yet here we are, and I don’t know what to do.

I want to help the kids.

I want to help Emilia.

I definitely don’t want Emilia’s brain melted by whatever the fuck is happening inside this raid.

I don’t want my brain melted, either.

I’m going to hunt down the asshole that now runs Hail—Halen’s formerly idealistic and mortal company—and beat the fucking shit out of them. They license out the software behind the raid system. They should be monitoring what the fuck people are doing with that software. Is there a bug in the main system? Or did the platform maintainer accidentally introduce it? Or maybe this is purposeful?

Doesn’t matter. This is so fucking bad, and I don’t know what to do.

It’s been a long time since I’ve frozen like this, unable to take a step in either direction. If it were just me, it would be easy. Regardless of how much I view the residents of the raid as

real,

I know they aren’t

as real

as me, as shitty as that is. If it were just me, I’d stand here and wait for the raid to end, refusing to touch the heartcore and killing anyone who tried to make me.

It’s not just me. There’s Emilia out there, probably facing this same thing and—

And I can’t leave her.

She’d want me to leave her because she’s always been self-sacrificing like that, but I can’t.

Every part of that woman is precious, even if she so often looks shocked that I find her ramblings, her hyperfocus, her beautiful bouncing energy attractive.

If I leave—if I abandon her to these people that I inflicted upon her—and she loses herself because of that, I will never forgive myself.

I would rather lose myself entirely, then a single piece of her, even if I can tell there are pieces to the puzzle of her that are already missing. A result of time? The war? No, their loss feels like more—like something more solid burned those pieces away.

That hurts.

Touching the heartcore again hurts.

Stepping through the exit and facing my group again, being pushed back to the entrance of the labyrinth for another go hurts.

Feeling Emilia’s energy wrap around me? Feeling it slip inside me to leave a blueprint for how to crack the labyrinth lock?

That doesn’t hurt.

That feels like love.

And when I disappear into the labyrinth, I practically collapse for all the care I feel.

It’s been so long since anyone cared for me like that.