Arc 5 | Chapter 187: Clearly, My Insides Are Being Shredded

Astra screamed, the sound ringing through V’s ear and probably bursting his eardrum.

Fuck.

Fuck fuck fuck.

His core screamed at him, telling him it wasn’t meant to be used this way—that a single defensive barrier wasn’t meant to be sustained this long, not by him, anyways. He knew some Free Coloniers could use their core for extended periods of time, weaving it through the aethernet in a way that Censors could do with code and aetherstores.

In their world—in the world of Censors and being taught not to use their cores under any circumstances—using cores wasn’t easy, and even after so many years spent inside blackaether raids, learning to force his core to accept being used even within the digital realm, V still struggled to use it for long.

And to be honest, he’d never used it to defend anyone.

Sure, there had been times when he’d raided and used abilities in conjunction with the platform’s system to defend himself and others. He’d never used it like this, though—never used it through sheer force of will, viscerally dragging energy down his meridians until they were burning with effort and exhaustion.

There had always been help before.

There had never been lives he wished to save before.

Emilia wasn’t the only person who had left Alex and Ri’s sphere of morality with some interesting views about AIs—at least compared to the average Baalphorian, who viewed them as technology meant to be destroyed for frivolous fun and so-called training.

To him and so many other people of their unit, AIs were people. They deserved respect and kindness and protection.

So V never hurt them, nor did he ever get close to them. They existed. He existed. He spent time in raids that didn’t have AIs or banned harming them. When he did enter raids where hurting AIs was allowed, he… well, he did enter them, he did enjoy them, although he didn’t take part in the hurting for more than the time it took to wipe out dictators and tyrants, all while forcing down moral quandaries about the existence of AIs and their right to live and be protected by the people who had created them, or if leaving them to their own devices was the better thing to do.

Stars knew that if Baalphorians suddenly realized they were part of some simulation, living their lives while some overlord watched over them, they wouldn’t be happy to accept

help

from the so-called overlords or anyone even passingly related to them.

They’d want to be left to their devices, the same way—as far as he’d been able to tell—the Risen Guard had wanted this world left alone, untouched by more visitors lest their

blessings

cause even more pain and suffering.

⸂Definitely,⸃ Gale breathed out, and only then did V realize that in his efforts to keep his core from collapsing in on itself, he’d let go of what control of his internal voice he had, letting his thoughts slip into the world, to be overheard by the children under him.

When he managed to pry his eyes open, he found Gale gazing up at him, her expression worried and sad and almost accepting of the death coming for them. Caro and Astra were tucked together, Astra whimpering while Caro soothed a hand through her hair. Ironic. If they died—if his core gave out—it was Caro and Gale who would really die. Astra would just return to her body, hopefully a bit regretful about sneaking into a raid that, according to Emilia, she wasn’t supposed to be inside in the first place.

Hopefully, this entire experience would smarten her up, yet not traumatize her further—because the kid was obviously hiding some pretty serious trauma under that cold demeanour of hers.

⸂The Risen Guard definitely doesn’t want us here? Interfering?⸃ V asked, eyes clamping closed again as his meridians seemed intent to peel apart within him. At the very least, this wouldn’t—or at least shouldn’t, because who the fuck knew what the system was and wasn’t capable of at this point—affect his real body. That didn’t mean it didn’t fucking hurt, his brain and soul seeming to scream at him to let go—that what he was doing to his body wasn’t natural.

Strange. He’d always assumed that

strangeness

, the taboo nature of using his core, was the result of his Censor. Censors didn’t like cores, rioting against their use in more situations than not. They didn’t want to be replaced, he thought. Censors knew that despite the ease they offered in creating and learning techniques, cores were more powerful. So they fought back—made using cores nigh impossible and extremely uncomfortable, an itchy, crawly feeling building exponentially inside Baalphorians who dared try utilizing their cores for too much.

So why was he feeling that now?

His Censor might still technically be connected to his body, but it wasn’t part of this raid. It had shown up in brief moments—in certain labyrinth challenges and that dream—but it wasn’t here with him, and until this moment, he hadn’t once felt that disturbing

this isn’t right

feeling when using his core.

V had never, not through decades of years spent inside raids, learning to use his core as best he could with a body that could never truly learn how to use a core full-time, felt this strange stress of wrongness. That strangeness, until this moment, had been restricted to attempts to use his core in the real world or while in a raid that clearly utilized Censors, no alternative system overriding the device that was almost as much a part of them as their cores themselves were.

So, why now?

Why now?

What was different?

Why feel it now?

Why—

⸂S-stop cycling your thoughts,⸃ Astra hiccuped out—strange to hiccup around your sobs in only your mind. ⸂Even in the real world, this much shouldn't— shouldn’t be enough to kill you. It’s all in your head.⸃

⸂All in my head?⸃ V asked. It didn’t feel all in his head. It felt like his body was ripping itself apart, his ribs trying to tear free of him—trying to let his organs drop out of his body—while blood vessels and meridians snapped out of his skin, leaving lines of blood and energy spurting violently from his corpse.

⸂Ew,⸃ Gale said, disgusted.

⸂Ew!⸃ Caro echoed, amused and fascinated.

⸂You aren’t,⸃ Astra said, some of her usual calm returning to her voice. ⸂Open your eyes. Your body is fine. You aren’t even shaking.⸃

Swallowing around the gnawing pain racing through his limbs, V forced his eyes to open again. There was no blood. He hadn’t suddenly begun leaking blood from his eyes, nose, mouth, ears. There were no tears in muscle and skin appearing every second he dared continue breathing because his insides weren’t puncturing holes into him as he focused on keeping these kids safe, hoping they’d survive without a lifetime of trauma chasing after them.

If being saved by his hands could traumatize a child, even when they were never granted the horror of seeing the blood of their friends and loved ones splattered over their destroyed homes, mothers and fathers decapitated—mutilated by monsters of the aethernet, chasing at the heels of soldiers who risked their lives to save even a few more tiny souls—what would being saved by him at the cost of his blood and organs falling over them cause?

⸂I think I’ll be traumatized just by your descriptions,⸃ Gale grumbled, Caro still mostly amused as they laughed and considered whether the blood or the warmth of that sort of scenario would be worse.

V… was a little concerned for their mental state. Granted, the local kid had always been a bit odd, taking nearly every situation in stride, but this laughing… had they cracked?

Gale and Astra seemed to be of the same opinion, shooting the little child concerned and questioning looks.

⸂Eh~ I’m fine!⸃ they insisted. No one looked convinced, but instead of getting annoyed over their growing concern, Caro simply turned the attention back to V. ⸂Does it still hurt? Astra’s right, you know. You really aren’t bleeding or even shaking. Maybe it is all in your head!⸃

⸂If you focus on your body and breath, you’ll be able to tell,⸃ Astra said, and as much as V still wasn’t convinced his meridians weren’t shredding themselves under the force of the energy vibrating through him to keep the barrier up, he could also see that her own tension was relaxing under his instructions. Well, better to keep her distracted so she’d stop screaming and whimpering.

⸂Tell me how?⸃ he asked, giving the little girl a weak, wobbly smile—see! Even if his arms weren’t shaking—and he knew full well his physical strength was enough that he’d be able to hold this plank practically through death—his cheeks were! So there!

Not that he was going to tell the girl that, and thankfully his aethervoice control had returned enough that rather than spouting such things at the girl—which really wouldn’t have been fair to her—he was left simply imagining telling her off.

It was strange not to think in words, he had to admit. Even if he’d enjoyed poking fun at Emilia for so profoundly failing to control her inner dialogue, he knew it wasn’t as easy as he and Astra had both made it seem.

⸂How do you do it, wherever you’re from?⸃ V continued, willing Astra to distract them all with an impromptu lesson on how core control and abilities in whatever Free Colony she hailed from worked.

The little girl looked uncertain, teeth digging into a gently brown lower lip. Her eyes flicked to Caro and Gale, and V was certain that had it just been himself and Astra, she wouldn’t have told him. His core would have eventually given out, and they would have imploded under the ever-increasing pressure of the ice magic crackling over them.

It wasn’t just the two of them, though. There was Gale and Caro and they deserved to live. V wasn’t sure if Astra generally thought AIs worthy of life—and while he was curious, he didn’t think now was the best time to bring such topics up. Not while he was asking Astra for something, nor when there were AIs with them, who didn’t deserve to listen to visitors discuss if they were or weren’t humans, worthy of the same protections as the flesh and blood variety, even if they’d definitely overheard a bit, when his control of his inner voice had failed him.

He was still curious, however. Had this little visitor always viewed AIs as worthy of protection? Or was it just these two and the few others she had become attached to during her time inside the raid? More so, was it simply a result of Emilia? Astra had already shown that she was willing to do practically anything to protect Emilia, whether that meant the woman’s physical body, her mind or her heart. If Caro and Gale died because Astra had refused to teach V even a little more control because she’d been too concerned about the fact that he

might

be able to figure out which specific Free Colony she was from, Emilia… would not be happy.

V knew that. Astra probably knew that as well.

It was just, which of the reasons was the most powerful? Which was driving her actions?

In the end, it didn’t really matter, except that this little girl was… V couldn’t really explain it, what his fascination with her was. Even before he had known she was a visitor, back before the water slide challenge had disappeared so many of them, he had found the child interesting, something about her calling to him with an edge of familiarity that frustrated him probably as much as his now-blown identity had aggravated Emilia.

For a moment, his mind floated back to his previous ponderings, about whether Astra was so afraid of screaming due to some experience during the war. Maybe he had been the one to save her? To leave her behind?

He didn’t know, and like so many other thoughts he’d had in this tiny prison, only his mind and these children to keep him company or from going crazy, it didn’t matter.

Still didn’t mean the itch of remembrance didn’t bother him, though.

⸂You can’t tell anyone,⸃ Astra finally said, although V was pretty sure the stress of the situation was making his brain run on overdrive and in reality less than a minute had passed within the space of the world. ⸂I’ll tell you how my uncle taught me to use my core. If I could do it as a six-year-old, you can do it as an old baldie.⸃

Gale snorted. Caro reached up towards V’s head, as though to confirm whether he had hair or was wearing a wig. V gaped, but said none of the rude thoughts he wished he could throw at the children.

He needed to learn, not just to protect the two locals, but because every bit of knowledge was power.

Every new fact pressed into his mind was a spark of hope that one day he wouldn’t be helpless—one day, he would be able to save everyone who fell into his path, no matter how dire their circumstances.

⸂Alright, Astra-liutai,⸃ he said, adding on the Dionese honorific for teacher in an attempt to be cute and put her more at ease.

Astra rolled her eyes, simply muttering that an honorific like that wasn’t meant to be temporary.

⸂You teach me how to do this, and I’ll call you liutai for the rest of my life,⸃ V promised, hope that it would be a promise he’d have to fulfill seeping through his veins as Astra’s lesson began, the world of ice surrounding them falling away as his attention turned between her and his core in turns.

Stars above, he hoped this would work.