Emilia and Hyr are whispering about something in their other language, the one Astra taught me how to introduce myself in. Hyr gave me a funny look when I did, though. I thought maybe Iâd gotten something wrong, at first, but I donât think thatâs itâthey give me that look sometimes, like Iâm a puzzle piece they canât quite place.
They used to look at me like that, anyways.
My lips twitch against the soft skin on Hyrâs neck. I feel like Iâve known them forever, and the way I think definitely seems to give that impression, too.
They used to,
like we didnât meet for the first time only a few hours ago.
They used to,
like for more than half the time weâve known each other, they havenât been looking at me like they want to save me and know they canât.
Emilia is looking at me that way now. Her eyes are so wideâso scaredâand when she reaches out to ruffle my hair, I lean up into it. A little touch of love, more love than Iâve felt from almost anyone, even my own parents. My mom and dad like me, sure, but Iâm work and I know they donât love me the way they wish they couldâthe way I wish they could.
Weâre moving again, Hyr tugging Emilia along as we go, and they continue to argue in Hyrâs strange language, sounds Iâve never heard registering only as
other
to my ears as Emilia speaks. I suppose Hyr might be speaking back to her in her normal language, and every so often as we wander through room after room, Emilia says the same thing: â¸vy morâk.â¸
Every time, without fail, Hyrâs chest will rise and fall, a small puff of air brushing over my cheek. I think theyâre laughing, but also a little exasperatedâI think thatâs the word, anyways. Exasperated:
annoyed, done with.
My parents are exasperated with me a lotâso were a lot of the adults in Livery, at the Risen Guard compound. The only ones who have never seemed
done with me
are Emilia and Hyr. V, a little bit, and I think if we hadnât been trapped together for so many days, he would have been okay with me? Mostly, I just think sometimes he wanted to rest, but because we were trapped, he knew he couldnât leave me to go crazy and annoy Gale and Astra.
Astra, who is dead and gone, even if thatâs not completely true: she still exists outside this world.
No one told me thatâI canât hear Hyr, and Carne doesnât really speak to meâbut I know. I know a lot of things now, since I got too close to the universe.
It was an accident, mostly. We were gonna die, was the thing. Astra tried her best to teach V how to use his core the way she and her family didâor was it her entireâŚ
Free Colony?
âbut he wasnât learning fast enough.
The ice was coming for us.
It was going to kill usâkill Gale, who had been trying to be so nice to me since we left Livery. Sometimes, she wasnât so good at itâespecially when we were trapped togetherâbut she was trying. So I wanted to try for her.
Whatever I did⌠it wasnât right. I donât know what I did. I donât remember a lot of those moments, just the ice coming for us. V saying he couldnât. I remember knowing that this time he wasnât wrongâthis time, it wasnât just in his head. He really couldnât save us, and I figured, well, if weâre gonna die anyways, I might as well try to save us.
I did save us, but I donât really remember how.
There was redâblood, but not blood. There was a pounding all around me, like a heartbeat.
Pound.
Pound.
Pound.
I knew I was somewhere I wasnât meant to be. I remember thinking that Iâd gone too farâ
gotten too close.
It was such a strange thought to have, and I still donât know where it came from, or what it meant, or even where I was. I do know it was right: I got too close to something, and now, Iâm going to die for.
I know Iâm going to die, and mostly, Iâm okay with that. Iâm going to die because I saved my friendsâbecause whatever I did, it saved us from that guy who was chasing Key. I blasted his attack away.
I
did that, and then Astra tried to kill him. Something went wrong, though. I donât really know what it was. V said something about a
seizure
, but I donât know what that is. I think it must be whatever caused a black spot in my memory? There are bits that are blurry, when I was saving us, but afterwards, thereâs just a big black spot.
Whatever happened, we couldnât stay, so we ran, and the world blurred by, and I knew, even in those first moments of consciousness, that I was going to die.
I was seeing too much, and I knew from Carne and the homeless granniesâ lessons about reading the universe that seeing too much was dangerousâwas a bad omen. I was seeingânow seeâtoo much. Something is wrong with me, but I donât think thatâs what will kill me.
No, it will be my own actions that kill me. I know that. So do Emilia and Hyr, I think. Hyr, definitely. Maybe they havenât told Emilia as much yet, this inevitabilityâthatâs another word that I
think
I know the meaning of, but I might be wrong. People in Livery were always saying it was inevitable my parents would get sick of me one day, if I didnât calm down.
I guess they were rightâthe first chance they got to let me go, they did. Iâm trying not to let that hurt. Some people just arenât meant for each other. I wasnât meant for my parents. Sawyer once said something like thatâsaid that the universe must have given me to them for another reason, because it definitely wasnât that I was the perfect kid for them or anything like that.
I think⌠if I had been able to choose, Iâd pick people like Emilia and Hyr to be my parents. Hyr, always calm and soothing, and Emilia, just like me, if a little subdued. I could see it when she used her hand signs. Sheâd be talking about one thing, using simple signs we could kinda understand, then something would distract her, and off sheâd go, hands moving too fast for us to even pick up the ones we knew. So much passion. I really wish I could have asked what she was talking about.
Emilia would be a good mom. She took care of us so well, but, I donât think she thinks that. I saw how sad she was, looking at Kellyâs arm, thinking that sheâd failed him. Sheâll probably think that about me, wonât she? That somehow this is her fault.
Itâs not. If anything, itâs my parents. If they hadnât left me with the Risen Guard, I wouldnât be hereâI wouldnât have ended up with that terrible woman for a babysitter and run away from her and the whole compound.
When I tell her as much, during one of the brief moments where she and Hyr are quietâor, I assume Hyr is quiet because I canât feel their throat vibrating against my noseâshe doesnât seem to believe me, and then, sheâs being pulled back into Hyrâs arms. I think sheâs crying. I canât hear her, but I can feel her shaking.
Will my own parents cry when they learn I died? Will anyone even bother to tell them? A part of me hopes no one will, that one day theyâll realize they canât just leave me with the Risen Guard forever, but their questions about what happened to me will go unanswered. Theyâll be left to wonder what happened, forever. Will they make up kind stories with happy endings in their heads? Or drown their guilt in imagined tales of my death at the hands of the Risen Guard or the visitors?
Most likely, Boundary will just tell them, or send someone else to tell them. I wonder if theyâll be nice about it, and say I died trying to save this world. I wonder if theyâll be mean about it, and say I died because they left me alone too many times.
Regardless of what Emilia thinks, this isnât her fault. I can see it now, the path of my lifeâa thousand, million decisions that led to this moment, so many of which I had no control of. It's strange, and comforting, in a way, this knowing of how uncontrollable my life has been. All the little pieces, laid out before my eyes in a thousand fragmented images of the world and my past and futureâmy very short future.
Iâm okay with that. Before coming here, before getting to close to the universe, I would have been sad. Now⌠Iâm a little sad, but mostly, Iâm not. Everything is so heavy now, every flick of my eyes a vision I donât have the capacity to understand or remember.
Itâs all so much.
Maybe, eventually, Iâd get used to it, the way I think Hyr is. If Hyr was with me, their soft energy sliding through me and softening the strain of the universe's visions, I think Iâd be okay with going on. They wonât be with me, if I find a wayâa willâto live. Theyâll leave, and Iâll still have Gale, maybe.
A thousand fragments of Galeâs future shatter through me, her grumpy and snarky with Key, the two of them with the Risen Guard, helping to guide the future along. Gale and Mira meeting, awkward and strained. Blood, but no curse. Tears, but not for a deathâis it a death? did Mira die? I canât see that right nowâbut for a lost friendship.
Somehow, it wonât matter to Mira that Emilia, V and Hyr will help change this world. She will go on, bitter and angry, hoping to create a world where the next batch of visitors will be snuffed out of existence the moment they set foot in this world.
For Gale, it will be the opposite, and sheâll be happy, eventually. Sheâll meet back up with Sawyer and Benny, at some point. Things are blurry where theyâre concernedâlike they are part of a future with too many options, too many paths. I think theyâll be happy⌠at least for bits of time. Sad, too, but thatâs life, isnât it? Love and friendship, grief and heartbreak and hatred that runs bone deep.
I donât think I would fit into their future, not like this. I see too much, I will be unable to help myself from reaching out and touching the future and past, from melding myself into them and tryingâfailingâto change the things that are already set.
It doesnât matter. Such a future will not come. My future is already set.
Maybe. Probably.
There is a bit I cannot seeâthat I donât think Iâm meant to see: the after. What is there after death? I donât think Iâll completely cease to exist, but there is something there, some block I cannot get past.
Itâs strange, but thatâs okay. I always loved the unknown, and thisâknowing the perfect moment to reach up and unpin my {Blood Hairclips} and snap them into Hyr and Emiliaâs hair instead, the moment I need to move, hurl myself from Hyrâs arms and reach back into the universe and pullâis a little anti-climactic for me.
Thereâs no pain, at least, when the god kills me. There is only light, and Emiliaâs sob, a flash of her being held back by Hyr, safe behind the barrier I created for them in the seconds before my death, so much grief spread over their faces that as I die, my only regret is that I was born into this world, with parents who perhaps wonât be happy I died, but will not be able to mourn me the way even these two people I barely know will.
Thatâs a little comforting, as the universe consumes me. At least someone will remember me.
At least someone loved me, even if I wish they could have loved me a bit longer.
⎠⎠âŽ
âHello, Caro.â
My eyes flutter open, met not by the red of the universe, which had greeted me as it sucked me into it, intent to consume my everything. Instead, the world is white and pure, empty save someone I know and yet do not.
â¸You arenâtââ¸
I try to say, but I know my words arenât coming out.
âYou wonât be able to speak that way here,â she says, shaking a lock of short silver hair back from her forehead. âI doubt youâll be able to speak like me here either.â
She smiles, holds out a hand. âDo you trust me?â she asks, and how could I not?