Watching Cheng Su cry so hard that she couldnāt catch her breath, Qi Taiguo felt waves of pain in his chest. He pulled her over to lean on his shoulder, holding her hand in silent comfort.
At this moment, any words of consolation seemed futile; only by being by her side and demonstrating through action could he assure her that he was there, that she neednāt be afraid.
Cheng Su cried heartily for a while, then wiped her tears, even using his clothes to blow her nose. Only then did she feel a bit better.
Qi Taiguo chuckled, "Feeling better?"
Cheng Su nodded, breaking into a teary smile. This bout of crying had indeed made her feel considerably more at ease.
Once her mood settled, she continued, "I found myself, Little Cheng Su. In a previous life, I grew up in an orphanage. A kind-hearted person continually fostered me, but I didnāt know who she was or where she came from. Until this life..."
Cheng Su fell again into her strange loop and said, "I told the orphanage director that I wanted to foster Little Cheng Su. She didnāt even have a name, so I gave her oneāitās the name I chose for myself."
Qi Taiguo was stunned, and after a moment of thought responded, "You mean youāve found yourself and fostered yourself? Do you suspect that the person who fostered you in your previous life was actually you?"
Cheng Su nodded, "Thatās what I suspect, otherwise why would it be this way? If itās like this, then how did I come to be? Taiguo, I now feel like Iām a snake biting its own tail, endlessly cycling, unsure where the beginning is, where the ending is."
Qi Taiguo also felt a bit baffled.
"Also, if I am that foster parent, then why? Why did I commit suicide, why did I pull myself down the stairs?" Cheng Su posed another question.
Hearing the word suicide, Qi Taiguoās face changed dramatically. He grabbed her hand suddenly and asked, "What are you saying? You committed suicide?"
Cheng Su looked at him and nodded.
"At the age of thirty-one, Iāin this bodyāwent to my hotel and jumped off." Cheng Su stated, "This body, in that year, had a noble status as a VVIP hotel guest. Our hotel is a star-rated hotel. Typically, guests of such caliber are either rich or powerful, yet I canāt understand why she was so troubled!"
Qi Taiguoās expression changed several times.
"I donāt even know if Iām the original madam who wanted to jump off or if Iām myself. I canāt distinguish whether I am her or she is me!" Cheng Suās eyes were filled with confusion and pain. She pleaded, "Taiguo, what should I do? Who am I really? Do I even exist, I..."
Qi Taiguo gently patted her and said, "Donāt worry, donāt overthink."
"I canāt help but think. Iām not certain. If I donāt exist, then someday I will disappear." Cheng Suās eyes welled up with tears.
"Donāt talk like that. Youāre here. How could you disappear?" His voice trembled slightly.
Why shouldnāt suddenly appearing be followed by sudden disappearing? The word suicide further upended his understanding.
He was a bit scared!
"Iām scared!" Cheng Su seemed to hear his inner voice and held him tightly.
Is it Zhuangzi dreaming of a butterfly, or a butterfly dreaming of Zhuangzi? Is all of this merely a real dream, after which, once awakened, everything will be overturned?
Cheng Su didnāt know.
Qi Taiguo didnāt know either.
They could only cling to each other, feeling each otherās warmth, each otherās presence.
Because, at least in this moment, they were truly together.