Volume 3: Gamma-12, Chapter 3.24

Back on Earth I’d been a firefighter-paramedic—a damn good one actually, but after working on a murder scene where our crew had to resuscitate the evil man responsible for the death of his family, I couldn’t get it out of my head. It was PTSD, plain and simple, and I ended up having a panic attack so bad back then I ended up having to stay in-patient at a psych facility as I was deemed a danger to myself at the time.

Whatever this all was, it felt a hundred times worse.

“Adam, Adam I’m sorry. Fuck!” Eve rushed after me and when she reached towards me I flinched away instinctively.

“Adam! No no no, I’m so sorry, Adam please, I would

never

do anything without your consent—I would never do anything you weren’t comfortable with. I swear, I

promise

I don’t want to control you or take away your freedoms.” Eve pleaded desperately, sounding on the verge of tears.

I hugged my knees and shut my eyes tight, trying to recenter myself, trying to push away this existential dread I was feeling—spinning the silly little fidget ring on my thumb as though it was a lifeline. My old fears of Eve and her plans for me were if she would eventually want to assimilate or consume me—make her Prime become part of herself. Here it sounded like she thought it would just be something that would happen in time, that I’d eventually

grow out

of being human and would want to combine our flesh after all. Had I been right to fear and resist her? Was this the truth she’d been keeping from me all along?

The most fucked up part of all was I really wanted Eve to comfort me now; despite the instinctive terror I felt around her, I was still completely in love with her and just wanted her to hug me and hold me and tell me everything would be okay—say any sweet lie to make me forget what a monster she really was.

As though sensing my thoughts, Eve sat beside me and wrapped her arms around me, pulling me close into her embrace, wrapping all her tentacles around me like a security blanket. This time I didn’t flinch away from her, no, this time I

craved

her touch.

I was beyond fucked.

“Adam please, just talk to me, say anything—scream, yell, curse me, just

please

say something.” Eve said, and now I could hear she was definitely crying.

“Do you want to consume me? Assimilate my cells into your biomass?” I asked, my voice barely a whisper. I felt cold anywhere Eve wasn’t touching, a stark contrast between what was being held and protected over what was left exposed and vulnerable. I was shaking, just barely, but it felt like it was coming from my spine and brain—the dreadful fear of my instincts trying to get my body to move and run away from Eve, but the foolish part of me needed her touch—needed her comfort and reassurances.

Eve shook her head against me, “No, not at all, I promise.” She hugged me a little tighter, a possessive protectiveness I found weirdly soothing despite the situation, “Adam, the love I feel for you is endless—and I’m not being hyperbolic when I say that; trillions of cells in my hivemind consciousness all love you, desire you, need you. There are parts of me that are caring and protective, others that are dangerously obsessive. I will love you any way you’re comfortable with, but I will admit there are parts of me that want to love you in ways I’m sure you’d hate.”

I finally opened my eyes and turned to Eve; she looked miserable, tears streaming down her face, her bottom lip quivering like she was just barely holding back from sobbing. She looked so scared and helpless, which was of course ironic considering how terrified and helpless I felt before her.

“So what, I’m just supposed to hope the part of your hivemind that wants to consume me doesn’t win over the rest of your congress consciousness?” I asked.

She shook her head quickly, “That won’t happen Adam. I know I used a congress as a metaphor to try to help you understand what my hivemind was like, but it’s not like my consciousness sits down as a committee to discuss things; they’re connected through a neural network of synapses responding immediately to external stimuli—more primal and instinctive. That’s why my human emotions nearly overwhelm me at times, because the Predazoan part of my brain is a logical system of perfect order. There won’t be any debates or recalls that happen in my brain to the point I suddenly wake up and change who I am and how I want to live.” Eve let out a slow, shaky breath, “Yes, there are parts of me that desire to truly possess you. But the collective is in control—

I’m

in control, and I promise I’ll only ever obey your orders and wishes.”

“Okay but that still means there’s some part of you that wants to consume me, and it sounds like you have to fight to control that side from getting out.” I nodded back towards the bed, “Sounded like it was in control back there.”

“Parts of my hivemind might dominate my personality at times—like when you think I’m drastically shifting moods. But as for who I am at my core, that will

always

remain the same.” Eve clarified.

It was rather obvious she skipped over part of what I was asking her, “But Eve, again, there’s some part of you that wants to

consume

me. I don’t see how—”

Eve leaned forward and pulled me down with her to press our foreheads together, “Even the way I would consume you, Adam, is entirely different from what you’re imagining.” She shook her head slowly, “I wouldn’t eat you, not like you’re thinking. No, I would take you into a carefully crafted biomass nest where we’d stay for a long time together. I would spoil you and dote on you, I would pleasure you endlessly within my embrace. We would be safe from the outside world, no agents or researchers trying to control us for their mission. I would keep you safe in a cocoon for decades while our cells slowly meld into each other.” She spoke calmly now, not the desperate girl afraid her boyfriend was mad at her, nor the fiercely possessive monster that wanted to consume me. This side of her was protective and elegant, almost motherly even. I

hated

how easily she soothed me, but honestly with what all I was feeling right now I really needed it.

“No food or water, just trapped in some cocoon with you for decades?”

Eve looked up at me, her smile kind, “I told you I would take care of you.” She almost laughed, “I would even bring in some Earth media for us to enjoy while you underwent your metamorphosis.”

I wasn’t amused, “So what, I transform into a part of you, your Prime forever locked away within you.”

Eve shook her head, “No, you wouldn’t be inside me—I told you this was different. We’d be sharing our cells and our minds, freely intermingling with one another, but we’d both be our separate selves; you’d be more Predazoan while I’d be more human. My cells would be within you just as yours would be in mine; the barriers between us would be blurred as our lives would be so intrinsically connected. From then on I wouldn’t need to manipulate your cells if you wanted to change, you would be able to control your own transformations—we’d transform

together

into any combination we wish. But Adam I need you to understand no matter what happens in the future, no matter how we change or adapt, no matter how we evolve together as a couple, you will

always

be yourself; I will never,

ever

take away your freewill.”

As she calmly sat there and further explained this terrifying future in that soothing voice of hers, part of me so wished I could believe she wouldn’t do any of that by force—that I could deny that abominable transformation she envisioned.

Hearing her explain those monstrous plans made me realize just how insignificant I was before her power. We joked around about her being an ancient Outsider godly being, but to think we always took those words lightly; this person before me who I shared a bed with absolutely was a god with powers beyond life and death I couldn’t even begin to imagine. I jumped into this relationship because I fell in love with the human side of Eve, but I completely neglected to consider the wholly alien side to her. And she wasn’t alien in a way I could even come to terms with like Tillia or someone else aboard

The Radiance

; Eve was alien in the most fundamental way, something completely different from human—outside human possibilities.

And yet despite the fear running down my spine, despite the danger-warning going off in my lizard brain, despite the fact every human instinct I possessed told me to flee back home to Earth, I was still in love with Eve and desperately wanted her to help alleviate my fears.

“Eve, you have a power over me I don’t think I’ll ever understand; you say I control you, but that’s through your decision to relinquish control to me. However, for me, I already know I can’t live without you, and I fear I’d do anything you ask of me regardless how terrible and destructive it might be. So I ask you now, and whatever you say I’ll believe it because I don’t even have the willpower to question or resist you, but I beg you to tell me the truth now; will you

ever

try to take control of my life if it’s what you think is best for us?” I asked, sounding like a helpless, hopeless man, completely at Eve’s mercy.

In response, Eve leaned forward and kissed me, slow and gentle, willing me to believe the words she was about to speak, “Adam, love of my life, I make an oath to you now; I will

never

take away your freewill, I will

never

try to control you, and I will

never

try to consume you. All I care about is you and all I desire is being with you—you, Adam, the wonderful, beautiful human. If you want to live a simple life as a regular human until the heat-death of the universe I will stay right beside you as your human partner—your human

wife

. I give you complete authority over our life and relationship. All you need to do is ask and I will tell you anything you want to know, about me or the Predazoans, even the mysteries of the universe; I will

never

lie to you.” She looked up in my eyes, and once again I saw the sad, desperate girl trying to make things right, “I’m sorry I scared you, sorry I let my passions out like that; it was stupid and inconsiderate and I am just so,

so

sorry I said all that to you. I was letting some of my obsessions out without thinking how terrible it would all sound, but that’s a future that doesn’t ever need to come to pass if you don’t want it.”

I had to say Eve’s confession did alleviate most of my fears. I didn’t have it in me anymore to doubt her if she said she was telling the truth, and in that way I was already consumed. But I wasn’t such a fool I missed she told me that future wouldn’t come to pass if

I

was against it, so clearly it was still a future part of Eve would want. I already knew I needed to guard my perceptions so I wouldn’t be totally overwhelmed by her, now it seemed I would need to remain on guard for how I responded to Eve too; what if I fell into her so deep I would give her anything to make her happy, even my humanity? No, I couldn’t let myself get lost in Eve, I would need to keep some semblance of control.

A part of me still wondered how human I would be in a thousand years—a million. Maybe there would be a time when I wanted to become more like a Predazoan, to live as that eldritch abomination Eve had envisioned for us. But for now, I needed to live as a human—I needed to keep

Eve

human; it was a hard line I was not willing to cross anytime soon.

“I love you Adam.” Eve said quietly, kissing me again, but this time it was much more desperate.

I sighed and shook my head slowly, “I love you too Evie, and no matter how foolish it might be, I’ll

always

love you.”

“What do you want to do now?” Eve asked in quiet voice.

I’d finally calmed down and my panic attack subsided, but now I felt completely drained, “Honestly I’m just really exhausted, can we just snuggle in bed for a little while, maybe watch some anime and chill out until I fall asleep?”

Eve’s face brightened a little, “That sounds wonderful.” She said, then she helped me up and escorted me back to bed as though I was some fragile thing—still all wrapped up in her tentacles.

We got into bed and Eve adjusted us so she was sitting up at the headboard with my head in her lap, playing with my hair with her fingers and massaging my shoulders with her tentacles. She trilled that little lullaby for me, the one I loved with her wonderful, alien singing voice. We had the floating TV set up before the bed, but I barely watched it now as Eve soothed me.

“Adam?” Eve barely whispered. I looked up at her, hardly able to see her face as her huge boobs obscured my view. “I’m not going to try to dominate you sexually anymore; from now on I want you to be in complete control again.”

I tried to sit up, but Eve kept me put, “Are you sure? Didn’t you say you’re holding back so much of your desire for me and it’s hard not to unleash it?”

Eve shook her head, “What I want more than anything is for you to feel safe and comfortable and loved, so I think for a while we should pull things back. You can dominate me if you want, but I think it would be nice if we stayed gentle and affectionate from now on—at least for a little while.”

I quirked up an eyebrow, “For how long?”

Eve shrugged, “For as long as you desire.”

To be honest, I’d actually been having a lot of fun with Eve dominating me—riding me through multiple climaxes, her tentacles exploring me all over, giving me such pleasure it was almost painful. But now I felt ripped open and vulnerable. I wasn’t in the mood for any domination; I wanted slow and gentle and affectionate and loving. We’d been dating for nearly 12 cycles now, and in that time I felt we grew a lot, but sexually we just indulged in each other almost animalistically. I think a switch would be good, build something deep and tender between us.

“Thanks Evie.”

Eve shook her head, “And we don’t have to get out and be active on

Hedonism-36

if you don’t want, there’s no—”

“No, I’ll still want to; you might’ve freaked me out with your Predazoan desires, but exhibitionism is just a simple human kink—one I’m kind of excited to indulge in to be honest.”

Eve smiled, her eyes shimmering with amusement, “Really, you’re sure?”

“Hell yeah, it’ll be fun.”

Eve trilled a little giggle, then sighed, then her expression grew sad again, “I really am sorry Adam, I can just be so stupid sometimes with my impulses and desires; I need to be more considerate of your feelings.”

I sighed too, “It’s okay Evie. Yeah, you really terrified me back there, but no one said dating a Predazoan would be easy; it’s not like there’s a manual to this shit.” I said, and Eve laughed again, “We just need to both be aware of how much control we have over each other—how obsessive and indulgent we can be. It’s like we’re a drug for each other, but rather than get clean we just need to learn to maintain our addiction while still living our daily lives—plenty of functional alcoholics do it back on Earth.”

Eve sighed and leaned down on me, resting her breasts on my face as she spread her hands out and down my chest, “I adore you so much, silly boy.” She leaned back up, “But I want to correct one thing you said; it wasn’t a conscious decision I made that gives you control over me, no, I

have

to obey your commands on an instinctual level—maybe down to the cellular level. I don’t know if it’s because you’re my Prime or if it’s just the intense way I love you as a Predazoan, but I am

bound

to obey your words, and it seems there’s very little I can do to resist—don’t even

want

to resist to be perfectly honest; obeying you feels so absolutely right I can’t imagine there being any other possibility.”

Hearing her say that made me think how her words had power over me too—made me realize how much I relied on Eve telling the truth, because I simply couldn’t believe she’d ever lie to me; she could tell me tomorrow the Earth sky was actually red and my first thought would be I must’ve had some crossed wires in my brain and needed to get my eyes fixed. I would believe

anything

Eve told me; I would trust her words as though they were laws of the universe. The fact she had that power over me was scary, but to hear I had similar power over her, did that mean we were more equal after all?

I chuckled at that, “What a pair we make; sounds like we absolutely ruined each other.”

Eve chuckled too, hugging my head again, “And I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

I’d felt more afraid of Eve than I ever have that night, more than when I saw her kill those humans back on Earth. I think it was because how powerless I would be if Eve really did want to consume me, and stuck as I was it caused a panic attack as I felt totally trapped with my beautiful demise standing right before me. But Eve eliminated my fears with her promises—most of them at least. As always I still felt like a prey animal before Eve’s power, and there was that instinctive existential dread I sometimes felt around her, but I was so far gone it wouldn’t even matter at this point. I was desperately in love with Eve, and even when she freaked me out the only comfort I would ever seek would be from her; she was like a fix to an addiction, causing me harm, but she was the only way to comfort me after the harm too. Wasn’t that how it was with an abusive relationship? It certainly didn’t feel like our relationship should be called that, not with how tender and loving she was with me. Eve just needed to protect me from herself—from her obsession over me.

Well, if that didn’t make it sound even

more

abusive, I didn’t know what would. But really it didn’t matter—nothing mattered except the love Eve and I shared. I just had to hope beyond hope she wouldn’t take advantage of my feelings for her, because honestly, there really wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do for Eve if she asked for it.

As I thought before, I was

beyond

fucked.