Chapter 271: Nightmares [IX]

"...Alexia?" I didn’t want to believe the conclusion I had reached even as the name left my lips.

But I knew I wasn’t mistaken.

That girl... that small, trembling girl... was

definitely

Alexia.

Perhaps she had dyed her hair black... but her terrified face, her tearful glassy eyes, and her voice — quivering though it was — were undoubtedly hers.

Alexia Von Zynx.

"You don’t remember this moment, do you?"

The distorted voice slid into my ears again, close enough to sound as if it was coming from right next to me.

I couldn’t reply.

I wanted to, but I was

so

shaken I couldn’t force out a single word.

So the voice continued in my stead.

"Why would you? It was just another evening for you — maybe a touch more lavish than your usual routine. But for that little girl... it was

horrifying

."

I watched as little Alexia resisted the tugging of my friends, crying and shaking more openly now.

But my friends were many, and they easily pulled her into the hedge maze — farther and deeper, until the garden lights no longer reached us.

The laughter of the other guests faded behind the thick walls of green. Only the sound of her sobs and the rustle of leaves followed us now.

My younger self was at the lead, smirking. His golden eyes glinted in the dim lantern glow.

He looked like he was having... fun.

Little Alexia crouched low, trying to make it harder for us to pull her. Her small hands clawed at the dirt and grass, but she was too weak, too small.

Each tug simply dragged her farther inside.

And I... I couldn’t move.

I was rooted in place, forced to watch this scene play out like a chained spectator.

"Let me jog your memory,"

the voice murmured with venom threading every syllable.

"One of your

’friends’

spotted a small blind girl sitting in a corner. He thought it’d be funny to scare her — to leave her in the middle of the maze and see if she could find her way out. And you... you didn’t stop him. In fact, you got your other friends involved."

I watched as my younger self barked orders at his friends, though I couldn’t quite make out his words over the pounding in my ears.

The boys around him laughed louder. Then they started tugging at Alexia’s arms and dress harder... like hyenas pulling at prey.

Her small hands groped helplessly for something —

anything

— to hold onto. Dirt, roots, grass. But it didn’t matter.

In the end, they all dragged her to the center of the maze and pushed her to the ground.

My stomach was in knots.

"Do you remember now?"

the voice hissed.

"She begged. She

begged

for it to stop. And you laughed. You

laughed

, Samael Kaizer Theosbane."

Little Alexia’s quavering voice broke the air. "P-please... stop! Don’t leave me here! I-I can’t see! I can’t see!"

Her small body curled into itself, nothing more than a trembling ball of black hair and pale limbs.

My younger self crouched in front of her, grinning like a wolf.

Then whispered something to her — something only the two of them could hear.

And Alexia froze.

"Has it come back to you now?"

The voice coiled around my ears, sounding almost delighted to make me watch this.

"Do you remember what you said to her?"

...I did.

It

had

, in fact, come back to me.

All of it.

As much as I wanted this vision to be false, just another fake illusion meant to play with my mind... I knew it wasn’t.

It was real.

Because now I remembered the words I’d said that night.

"This only happened because you’re weak, not blind. My father says being born weak isn’t a sin, but staying weak definitely is. So take this as a lesson to get stronger." —

That was what I told her.

Alexia’s lips trembled as she stared blankly in the direction of my younger self’s voice, her small hands clutching her palla as if it could anchor her.

Then I saw my younger self stand. He straightened his blazer, brushed invisible dirt from his hands, and turned his back on her.

The other boys followed suit, still snickering and whispering jokes about the

’game’

they’d just played.

...They left her there — a scared blind girl in the center of a maze she couldn’t navigate — and walked back toward the glowing garden lights like nothing had happened.

I watched them go.

I watched

me

go.

It was like watching a stranger wearing my face.

Alexia’s soft sobs echoed behind us, fading into the darkness of the hedge walls.

I wanted to run to her. To kneel and pull her out. To say,

"I’m sorry

.

"

But I couldn’t.

My legs stayed locked. My throat stayed dry.

Was I really...

such

a horrible person?

"You see it now,"

the voice murmured. It didn’t even sound gleeful anymore — just cold.

"You’ve hidden it under layers of jokes, arrogance, and a dismissive attitude. But you

remember

. You remember exactly what you are."

"I..." I didn’t know what to say. "I didn’t know it was her! I didn’t know it was Alexia!"

"That’s your excuse?" the voice snapped. "So what you did was fine if it was someone else? And let’s be honest, it wouldn’t have mattered either way even if you knew it was her! You see, Samael, you grew bitter over how your father treated you. So you started taking out that bitterness on others! You justified yourself by claiming you never bullied anyone without a reason... but you

always

found a reason.

Always

! And when you didn’t, you had your friends bully them, insisting you never lifted a finger yourself! But you forget —

ignorance is complicity

! And you! You are an accomplice! You are a monster!"

I shook my head. "Shut up!"

This time the voice pressed closer, like a whisper slithering down my spine.

"I know this because I’m your subconscious! I’m practically

you

! So it’s no use denying it because I already know you inside out — your thoughts, your insecurities, your

true

nature! I know

you

know what you are! Admit it!"

I gritted my teeth and turned around. "Quiet!"

...But as soon as I turned, the scene around me shifted again.

This time, I was back in Ishtara.

Back among those burning streets, the crumbling buildings, and the harrowing monsters mauling people to death in the most gruesome ways imaginable.

"You—"

the voice started again, but this time I cut it off.

"I said

quiet

!" I yelled. And in the momentary silence that followed, I took a few calming breaths.

My spiraling emotions eased, coming back under my control.

My legs — which had felt rooted to the ground — loosened.

I could walk again.

So I started walking.

"You think I don’t know what I am?" I spat bitterly. "I’m under no illusions. I’m a monster, a bully, a villain — sure. But don’t you dare think you can weaponize my past against me. I made a bunch of kids’ lives hell, you say? So what?! I saved

hundreds

just last week! I orchestrated the destruction of Ishtara? So fucking what?! They were all going to die anyway! At least now their sacrifice means something. I sabotaged the Syndicate’s plan — they were going to spark a world war! Do you have any idea how many more would’ve died if I’d done nothing?! Millions! I saved

millions

by sacrificing a few thousand!"

"You have

no

right to play god with people’s lives! You can’t decide who lives and who dies—"

"No!" I roared, cutting it off again without breaking stride. "I have

every

fucking right! I

alone

am burdened with the knowledge of what’s coming! I

alone

carry the weight of saving the world! So yes — I

alone

have the right to play god! I

do

get to decide who lives and who dies. Because if I don’t — if I hesitate, if I stay passive

— then

everyone

dies. I’ll do what’s needed. I’ll stop the Spirit King

no matter

the cost!"

"Even if you have to betray friends? Slaughter innocents? Burn cities to cinders? Do you still believe you’re the only one who has that right?"

the voice asserted.

"I will! I am!" I said, resolute. "

Someone

has to make the hard choices. If not me, then who? A council of cowards? Puppets? Monarchs, half of whom are too short-sighted to see

anything

beyond preserving their own power? No. Better

one

guilty man with a plan than a

billion

helpless hands."

The voice fell silent.

The burning city of Ishtara dissolved and faded out of view.

There was nothing around me now but endless darkness.

Still, I walked.

I walked until my feet ached and my own footsteps were the only sound left in the void.

There were no more illusions.

No more accusations.

No more guilt trips.

Just a pathless expanse of black stretching endlessly in every direction.

It felt like I’d been walking for hours, but there was no sense of time here. There were no stars, no horizon. Nothing.

And yet... I didn’t stop.

"You’re still running, you know?"

the voice said at last. It sounded much softer now. Not mocking. Not taunting. Just... tired.

"I’m moving forward. There’s a difference." My eyes stayed fixed forward... even though there was no

forward

. "You can’t keep me here forever."

Finally, after a long, long, long time — or maybe in only a span of few seconds — I saw something...

Cracks!

Thin white cracks started spreading across the darkness, leaking blinding white light that pushed back the darkness.

Slowly, the cracks grew, splintering wider with every step I took, until the void itself began to

fracture

.

I knew if I stepped through one of those cracks, I’d wake up. There was no hard logic to my reasoning. Only instincts. I just knew.

...Like I knew the voice would do anything to stop me from crossing over.

And it did.

"You’re right,"

it whispered.

"I can’t keep you here forever. But... I can make it so that you won’t want to leave."

I almost scoffed, as if to say

that’s impossible

—

When suddenly, I felt... a touch.

Real,

physical

touch.

I flinched, but before I could react any further, someone had wrapped their arms around me from behind.

Not to restrain me... but to

embrace

.

And then... I heard a voice.

Not the distorted, nightmarish voice that had been tormenting me until now.

No, I heard a

human

voice.

A

familiar

voice.

I heard... my mother’s voice.

"I missed you, dear," she said, sounding

every bit

as remorseful as my real mother would sound after spending an eternity away from me. "How have you been, my boy?"